Leo's Journal
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Leo keeps an account of his activities in Central America. He meets interesting people, gets exotic diseases and inherits goats. Also battles injustice too.
1. Chapter 1

_I don't know if I'll go on with this after the first chapter. I might chip at it once and a while. I guess I will continue it at least once, since I added a cliffhanger._

June 12 –

I set out tomorrow for Guatemala. I will go to the airport tonight and catch the 2:15am flight to Guatemala City. Mikey has been packing and repacking my things, so I'm certain that I'll forget something. Thankfully, I can only take one small bag. I feel burdened when travel with anything at all. It's all I can do to keep track of myself.

Raph is plying me with bug spray. He seems to regard the jungle as nothing but a bed of bugs. I am trying all I can to stay patient with him. I'm going to help people and hone my skills, not to sit out on the beach covered in bug spray and tanning oils.

April has persuaded me to keep a journal. She kept one extensively during the early years of our acquaintance and it was lost "tragically" when her apartment was destroyed after I was…

Anyway, it will be good for me to work on recording my thoughts. I will be able to track my progress. It is harder to see things in retrospect, I believe. I am often accused of distorting the past to my own liking and I hope that it isn't so.

Don has asked me to bring back any interesting biological specimens that I find. I will help him if I am able, but I cannot foresee any feasible methods of transport.

My father has given me his last words of advice. I am so humbled that he is sending me on this important mission. That he trusts me that much. We meditated together for a few hours tonight. I will miss that very much and his tea and incense. He gave me a few sticks to keep me company.

I have a splitting headache. Raph convinced me against my better judgment to drink Sake with him. I never learn. We ended up… well never mind what we ended up doing. We should not have done it and I hope that it was not caught on any security feeds.

June 14 –

I have arrived in Guatemala.

Worried for most of the trip about Raph. I told him that while he is not left in charge, he has more responsibility over the others now that I'm gone. I told him to watch his temper and his mouth and that I won't be there to save his shell if he gets out of line. He said some rather exotic things I should do to myself. That was our goodbye. I wish I had held my tongue and told him I would miss him. There is nobody around here to get me drunk on Sake. Maybe Corona. They seem to love the stuff.

It is hot and wet here. The air smells different. As the plane landed, which I hate because I'm not used to the air pressure changes and whenever the plane shifted slightly I knew I would die, I was nearly crushed by some shifting cargo. The turbulence was truly frightening. Thankfully, I'm agile.

I waited and hid until the cargo had been unloaded and then let myself out when they were refueling. This was dangerous because it was daytime. I have a watch and have reset it for the time zone. Don told me the time change before I left. What will I do without him? I feel like I left my brain back home.

June 16 –

I will write now that I have gathered myself a little. I had no direction or purpose and decided that the best thing to do was to head to the mountains. See the terrain.

I'm sitting in a truck, covered in a blanket that I dug out of a dumpster in the city and I'm riding with some livestock in the back of a truck to the mountains. It's all I can do to concentrate on the road and to learn the names on the signs. I am studying my Spanish dictionary and I know enough Spanish to save my life, but not much more than that. I wonder if I speak Spanish with a Japanese accent.

If only I had thought to bring a camera. I would love to send these views to Mikey. He loves pictures and beauty and he would love these green covered mountains. The sky seems so low here and the clouds are puffy and flowery. That sounds a little lame, but it's the only way I can think to…

There is a far away rain cloud letting loose rain into a mountain valley. That is beautiful.

The animals smell bad and I'll be glad to get away from them.

June 19 –

I'm now settled into a rocky recess outside a small village outside Guatemala City up in the mountains.

How am I supposed to keep warm when it rains every minute? The mountains are not nearly as warm as the lowland jungles and I feel that it was a mistake coming this far up in elevation without proper supplies. I have set up my hammock and spend most of my time lying there in my blankets trying to stay warm.

Also trying to keep the bugs away. I found several slugs on my feet when I walked from the stream. Maybe Raph was right in his thoughts about the bug spray.

Since this journal is for my own eyes only, I will confess. I cried miserably the first night. It was so dark and quiet. It was actually noisy, but the noises were not the noises I'm used to. No cars or people or subway or brothers or father or April or Casey. Just animals and trees and water dripping all around me and bugs. Buzzing. I felt like a little child, lost in the wilderness.

But I'm feeling better about the situation now. I will adapt. That is why I'm here after all. I feel an urge to hibernate here in my cocoon, but I must venture down to the village. Keep an eye out. I must find some food soon, also.

I am hoping that I can make some basic monetary exchanges in my poncho. I hope that no one will notice or look too hard. But strangers may be more noticeable in a small town.

Holy crap! That's the biggest cockroach I've ever seen! I need to find a box and mail it to Raph.

June 21 –

Sent the mutant cockroach along with my first letter. I think the villagers have no sense of curiosity or else they don't really care that a giant green mutant just used their post office. I got some food from the storeroom at the general store and left money behind. It was my last American money, but I know for a fact that they can change it.

Tomorrow I will try to fish for my dinner. How will I eat it? That damn rain won't stop.

June 21 pm –

Feeling rather sick.

June 21 pm –

Feeling extremely sick. Going to bed.

Up again now. Taking trip to the facilities.

What do they say about not drinking the water?

I have a bite mark on my arm. Must be from a bug.

Trying to sleep now.

July 8 –

Well… You can't say it was a vacation until you had your first near death experience. At least on my vacations.


	2. Chapter 2

_I realize that my physical description is more like the indigenous people of the Amazon, but I studied South America in the 1970's. Not Central America's highlands today. So just pretend._

July 9 –

I'll record what I can remember of the last two weeks. I gathered some of it from the villagers after the fact.

I was as sick as a dog or a really sick turtle and I remember lying in my hammock in the rain, staring at a tree. I believe I slept on and off. Then I was being carried away. It was the strangest thing because I was staring at the tree one minute and then in someone's arms the next. I tried to push them away. I don't think I moved, but my brain forced me to try.

I was put on a wicker bed in a little house made out of thrushes. I just remember people babbling nearby. I was too ill to care.

Someone questioned me. I didn't understand a word they said and then suddenly I was being interrogated in English.

"Why are you here?"

I didn't answer. I've resisted questioning under more persuasion than that.

It was a man in his fifties or so. He didn't look like a native, but I didn't want to make presumptions about his origins. His English was pretty good, but it was a little distorted.

"You were stung by a very poisonous scorpion and you are lucky to be alive, whatever you are. I'm Eduardo Montez-Lopez. I am an anthropologist with La Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México. What are you?"

He asked me that question several times. I was just strong enough to reach for my katanas, but they were gone. He noticed my reach and said that they had been removed for the safety of my host family. He made me sound like an exchange student.

I said something to this effect. "I am grateful for your hospitality, but I must have my things and leave. I am not to be seen and you will not tell anyone of my presence." It was a demand.

"You are an American?" He was more interested in my nationality than the fact that I'm a mutant.

"And you are a Mexican." I tried to stand, but wobbled back into the bed. I didn't realize how sweaty I was. It was so hot in there. They had a fire burning and the smoke was going out a hole in the roof. A few children were lurking in the corners, watching me.

"You are verde," Eduardo said. "Why?"

"I have… a disease…"

He pushed me back into the bed, which was quite a testament to my weakness. He said, "You must stay until you are strong. The family likes you very much and wishes to keep you. You say sweet things in your fever to their daughter." I was very alarmed at that statement. "Of course, they speak no English and only speak K'iche', but I was here to explain your rantings. You speak much of this Mikey. He sounds badly behaved."

I was humiliated, but tried to remain stoic. I said, "I feel the need to meditate. Would you please leave me alone? And by alone, I mean without the children."

Eduardo removed the children and I was alone for a while. My meditation lasted a full five minutes before I fell asleep again. I was very distraught. I'd been in this country for a little over a week and already I had fallen to illness and was seen by villagers. Actually, sleeping in their hut as their guest. I had already failed.

I will write this next incident, although it is in my better judgment to forget it and block it out. It makes me rather uncomfortable. I was awoken later in the day by someone's hands on my body. I flicked them away at first, assuming it was one of my brothers playing a trick on me. Now I realize how illogical an assumption it was that my brothers would play a prank and grope my body while I was asleep, but I suppose my first instinct is to blame anything uncomfortable on them. I opened my eyes to see a village girl, probably a teenager. She had uncovered me and was running her hands up and down my body.

I would like to say that I found this very unpleasant, but it was quite the opposite. I did brush her away and tell her to leave me alone, although I was loath to do so. She didn't understand my words, but understood the tone. But she did not leave and only stared. I know that look. The novelty of a giant animal that is fluent in any language. But I demanded that she leave and not touch me again and then Eduardo came back in the hut and said something to her in her own language.

She left finally and I was sure that the anthropologist knew what was going on. I must have looked very awkward. He was amused anyway. He said, "I wonder what sweet nothings you said to that girl while you asleep that made her desire you so. I believe it was your words and not your looks."

That struck my vanity and I attempted to leave, but fell back down. I remember saying, in my anger, "Is she the chief's daughter? Did I accidentally engage in some kind of foreign courtship ritual and now I have to fight the strongest brave in the tribe to get out of it?"

Eduardo said, "Yes, the chief's name is Tonto. They have no chief. They are not backwards people. Maybe you are the one who is backwards, American Lizard."

Then he left the hut. I have never felt so ashamed of myself.

He recovered from his anger, thankfully, because I was trapped in that hut with no other person to talk to. I was careful not to give away the details of my origins, but I thought it was only polite to explain that I meant no harm to them and my purpose in their country. Eduardo was intrigued and seems like a man of a thousand questions. He wanted to know why I carry the Japanese swords and why Raph mailed me a dead mouse. I told him that I have a rather perverse relationship with my brother.

I was still trying to escape the curious attentions of the girl. She watched me wherever I went, since I was able to hobble about briefly on my own, but my joints and muscles ached badly. Most of the villagers stared with mild interest. Mutants must be a dime a dozen down here.

I tried to do a few katas. Very simple ones to keep my strength up, as I spent most of my time in bed. I went out to a clearing outside of the village. I knew that some of the children were following, and while I could have vanished from their sight and escaped them easily, it didn't seem like too much harm to let them watch. I was slightly vexed to find that most of them were teenage girls. The giggling was most distracting.

I don't think I helped matters by flirting with them all excessively that night at dinner. I can't help it sometimes. It's like I have an OCD compulsion to charm every female I meet. I don't know why. I suppose I like the challenge as a non-human to make human women want me. Maybe I'm just a pervert. At least their mothers found it entertaining rather than sick.

I wanted desperately to get on my own. I am not used to being a social creature. I believe I would be if I were able and that it is in my nature but I'm not used to it and I find my batteries drained from too long exposure.

Oh, I remember one awful moment. I was eating dinner and complementing my host on her cooking and then I was informed that it was turtle stew. I'm a cannibal. I went straight out back and purged. I don't know if they did it on purpose or by oversight.

I was regaining my strength and I told Eduardo that I needed to move on. He was rather disappointed. I think he would like to study me. Not in a lab like Bishop, but with psychological tests and ink blots.

As I gathered my things to leave he said, "It will seem very empty without you now, Leonardo. I will give you my address and you must write to me and tell me more about your naughty brothers. I believe it will be a great disappointment to the young ladies that you will no longer beguile them."

"They'll get over it." I was sure they would. "It must be hard for them. They finally meet a dashing young American and he turns out to be a big turtle."

We had a laugh. And then I thanked the host family and said goodbye to the children and went back to my rock hideout. I believe I will move on to another village. While it is nice here and the people seemed to like me, I'm here to help people, not take up residence as a neighbor. It is rather depressing to leave a pleasant place in search of a more violent one, but that is my lot in life. I believe I will write to Eduardo. He seemed like a genuinely good man.

I will head back down into the lowlands where it isn't so cold. At least I'll be warm when I'm wet.


	3. Chapter 3

_Here's another one. I had to email an old professor to figure out what book I was thinking of for this chapter. I remembered a funny fact from one of the ethnography classes I had to take and I couldn't remember it. I watch the show "Ganglands" and that's how I get my gang information. Blame the History Channel for my inaccuracy. _

July 11 –

I'm headed back into Guatemala City right now. I have decided that it will be a better use of my time to stay in the city and look for information. I'll go where I'm needed. It is a waste of time to wander the wilderness with no direction. There must be plenty of criminals to fight in the city, just like at home.

Truth be told, I will be happy to be back in an urban area. The countryside is too daunting. Too vast. It feels quite empty.

It will be nice to get out of this truck. Traveling with cargo crates and livestock isn't as much fun as you would think. My sense of humor gets a fail.

July 15 –

I'm squatting in the Guatemalan sewer system. It feels like I haven't even left home. The city itself is quite beautiful and I'm glad that I've returned. I was too tired on the journey out to fully appreciate it. The city is older than New York, obviously. The buildings are of Spanish design or influence and the streets are old stone in some places. I wish that I could walk the streets at nighttime.

I must say that it is quite surreal to see so many American brand names in such a foreign place. I'm feeling a little homesick. My Spanish is very bad and I miss being able to read street signs. I feel like I'm in one of those nightmares where I can't remember how to read. Don has those all the time. I had a dream like that once or twice. Mikey and Raph said that they never had a dream like that and Raph reckons that it has to do with our "stick up the ass" problem as he delicately puts it.

But tonight I'm sitting on a rooftop, looking down at the city. It's all lit up in yellow and green and I can see the city square with the open plaza and people walking around.

July 20 –

What have I done?

Last night I noticed a group of young men standing around in an alley near the building I was sitting atop of. I was too busy, gazing starry eyed into the horizon to notice that they were beating somebody up at first.

I proceeded down to ground level and found that they were gang members. I've seen a few in New York, but not whole groups of them. I took a few seconds to assess the situation. Several of them were beating up on one guy who was curled up on the ground. I intervened and I don't feel the need to elaborate, but they I took them all out pretty quickly. Then as I was about to duck back into the shadows before the victim could see me, I heard him say, "Why did you do that?"

I was so shocked that I stopped and turned around.

Then he screamed like a girl and muttered to himself in Spanish.

I said that I had just rescued him and I was very flattered at his gratefulness.

He asked if I was a demon.

I felt like knocking him out and running away, but I stooped down to eye level and said something like, "I'm not a demon. I saw those men beating on you and I just saved you…"

"I was going to take it like a man!" And he thusly berated me for rescuing him because he would like a "pussy" or something.

He said, "You're some kind of super hero huh?"

"That's absurd. I'm nothing like a superhero."

This man had an obnoxiously grating voice and he was covered in gang tattoos. I was eager to get away from him and he said, "What are you? Some kind of big lizard thing?"

"Goodbye, sir." I hate being called a lizard. I am not a lizard. I was about to leave.

I don't know why I stopped. Why did I stop? He said, "You're carrying swords? Those are awesome! You look like a superhero. You need a superhero name. Like Mean Green. You're not very nice, so I think that would work. Those guys were beating me down 'cause I got information on them and I was about to fly back to L.A. and talk to the feds. Get them extradited, right? So they got a hit out on me."

That didn't sound right. Gangs don't just pummel people in alleys when they squeal. They cut off limbs and leave them in abandoned fields. I only said, "That's too bad. Goodbye."

He chased after me yelling, "Stop! Come back, Mean Green!"

So I turned around and said, "Don't call me that! And go home. You'll get killed hanging out around here." It's true. MS-13 makes the Purple Dragons look like Girl Scouts.

He was crying now. It was so pathetic. I don't know why I didn't leave. I suppose it was nice to have somebody to talk to, even if they were blubbering like a coward. "I can't go home. They got my house watched, right? And it's just my cousin's house and she has thirteen kids and I don't got no job and the boss is coming around looking for me and I don't got my take for him…"

Ah. That sounded more like it. "So you spent your crack percentage on some new shoes or something? They're nice, by the way." They were nice. Fancy red Nikes.

"You like a Samurai?" He was still kind of crying and I was inching towards the shadows uncertainly. I should have maintained my resolve.

"I'm a ninja. It is similar, but quite unique. The honor codes used by the ninja are…"

"I want to ask for your protection, right? So you can't kill me now."

I was angered by that and I told him, loudly, that I would not kill a worthless being like him. I was quite puffed up and actually told him that it was beneath me. I am not always the most humble individual. I regret saying that. I did not know him and it was unfair.

"So now you have to protect me from MS, right?"

He was right. He had asked for my protection. Now I had to protect him. That's what comes of lingering too long after a save. I told him to follow me and to be quiet. He was so clumsy, I'm sure his footsteps were heard for blocks. He kept saying, "You're going to your secret hideout, right?" every few seconds. I did not respond and did not want to let him down, telling him that I was a homeless drifter, living in the sewer.

After a while we arrived at my makeshift sewer lair and I asked him for his name. He said, "My name is Radioshack Montoya y Perez."

I thought I had misheard him and asked for it again.

He rolled his eyes and said, "I'm from Honduras. Well, my parents were. And they moved to L.A. when I was three, right? And then I was deported with a bunch of Mara Salvatrucha and now I'm here in Guatemala City. I need to go back to my village. My grandmother lives there and I might be able to live off her for a while. I can't go back to L.A., right?"

"I don't know. Can you?" He was getting on my nerves with all his questions.

"I could, but I don't want to risk getting caught. What's your name?"

I was reluctant to tell him my name, but it only seemed fair. "My name is Hamato Leonardo and I'm here on a training mission. I am the leader of my clan."

"Clan of what?"

"Ninjas."

So he is here, sleeping in my hammock while I sit up all night and write in my diary because I cannot sleep through his snoring. I can sleep on hard wet ground, but not with that walrus next to me.

July 21 –

I went out tonight to escape Radioshack and his incessant questions. He keeps asking me to show him my endowments and I assured him that while I guarantee that they are more impressive than his, he will have to imagine them. He also asks about the mask. Why is it blue? Why don't you wear pants? Do turtle women have breasts? If he doesn't stop asking questions soon I'll slap his face off. Patience. I have that in spades, don't I? I do not know why my brothers always allocate the trait of patience to me. I feel exasperated with everyone and everything.

I wonder why his first name is Radioshack. But my father's first name is Splinter, so I have nothing to talk about.

I have told Radioshack that I in no way intend to get involved with his problems. I did not come here to help MS-13 recover unpaid drug debts. I will protect him from them, but that is all and as soon as I am convinced that he is safe, then I will dump him at my earliest convenience. He told me that he wants me to escort him over the border to Honduras and assured me that there are lots of bad guys to kill there.

I have nothing better to do and I will proceed there with him after I have written and mailed my first letter home.

July 23 –

I have mailed the letter. I edited out the parts that sounded too homesick and or made it sound like I was putting myself in too much danger. I do not want Sensei to know that I have been seen my so many, so early in my trip. It looks painfully short, but I really don't have the time to write a fully detailed letter.

I have recorded a copy of the letter.

Dear Everyone,

I arrived in Guatemala safely. The flight was rather turbulent, but I like a little bit of adventure while I travel. The city is lovely. Imagine New York City, but older and surrounded by an exotic green canopy and laced with mountains. That's Guatemala City.

I ventured out into the hinterlands, but returned shortly after when I realized that I was not needed in that region. I struck out for the city again.

A local man has put himself under my protection and I will escort him to Honduras to be reunited with his family. I may not be in contact for some times, as this will be a long journey. He tells me of some danger in that area and I will be careful.

Do not worry for me, Father. I know what I'm doing. I think of you almost every minute and this experience has so far taught me that I know absolutely nothing about the world.

Raph, you were absolutely right about the bug spray. Did you like my present? I received yours and can honestly say that I was pleased to get it. So what does that say about me?

Don, don't blow anyone up. I'll send you something weird if I find the time.

Mikey, just… behave. Be good. Write me a story about elves.

April, I have met several pretty young ladies so far in my trip, but none that compare to you. I expect you to have a kiss waiting for me when I get home.

Casey, you're an idiot.

Your Fearless Leader,

Leo

I was feeling extremely homesick and actually weeping as I wrote the last half of the letter and it felt very open, like I was bleeding my heart out and then I read it back and it looked so plain and cold. Oh, well. Maybe the tear drops on the page will give them a hint as to my true feelings.

Radioshack saw my tears and said, "Man, you're crying like a little girl. What? Are you writing to your mama?"

"I don't have a mama."

"Aw, that's sad. Every man needs his mama. Mine's in prison."

I did write another letter that night.

Dear Everybody,

I'm so homesick that I feel like I'm about to vomit. I was nearly crushed to death by falling cargo during the flight. I was bitten by a scorpion and nearly died and then made a fool of myself with the local village girls. I want to go home very badly and now I have this stupid gang member following me around and asking me how much I weigh and if I could open a champagne bottle with my katanas. I cried like a little child the first night in the jungle.

I'm worried that Raph will go AWOL or feral while I'm gone and that he'll do some kind of irreparable damage to our family. Or get himself killed and I'll be stuck here almost on another continent with no way to get to him when he needs me. I have no one to confess to or get into trouble with here.

I want to ask Don for advice about every second of the day, but he isn't here to ask. I'm not used to doing the heavy thinking and I'm afraid that I'll fuck something up seriously. I know I will. It's only a matter of time.

Mikey. I just miss having him around to just be himself. Keep me company. He's the only one who ever gives me any affection, besides April.

And speaking of April. There's no one here I can go to who knows me. I know that I had no friends growing up, but at least I had brothers. Now I have no brothers and the lack of my sister is now gaping. You've put up with so much from me over the years and I know I have given little in return except katana training.

Casey, what can I say? He keeps Raph from killing himself. I'm grateful just for that. I know I'm not that good of friends with him...

And I have no sage father to talk to and meditate with. I will say no more about that as I'm crying too hard to write.

Your Fearless Leader,

Leo

I tore it up and dropped it in the sewer water. I cannot believe how lost I feel and it is only a few weeks into my stay. If I do not adjust soon, I fear I'll have to go back.


	4. Chapter 4

July 22 –

I have decided to risk it and make a phone call home. We are in a higher elevation and Radioshack has a cell phone with a good international plan. He calls California often.

I called Raph. I miss him desperately and I regret leaving on such a sour note. He answered cautiously because he did not recognize the number and he sounded glad to hear from me at first. Then he turned sullen and told me he was busy learning how to solder and he had to go. I have no idea why he would be doing that. He's putting his bike through some repairs. Painting it. I'm surprised. He was always so proud of the racing stripes.

It was nice to hear his voice, even if he was gruff and off-putting. He must think that I've abandoned them all. Well, get over it. He's not the only one with problems. I called him all the way from Central America. It was the least he could do to be civil with me and pretend to be happy to hear from me.

Right now I have a parasite. Its name is Radioshack.

I had to sit for hours in the back of a truck listening to him ask me questions.

He asks, "Can you crack a walnut with your thighs?"

"Yes."

"Ever done it?"

"Yes."

"Why would you do that?"

"Didn't have a nutcracker."

"Wouldn't it have been easier to do it with your hands?"

"DON'T YOU EVER SHUT UP?" The cows brayed. We were in the back of a semi-truck full of cattle and thankfully my outburst was not heard by the driver.

"Sorry. Just makin' friendly conversation. Want to see my bullet scar?" He lifted his shirt. He has a large "MS-13" on his chest.

I pulled up my poncho and pointed at my own bullet wound. Then I pointed at the gash where Raph accidently stabbed me. Then at the glass scar from when I landed in April's window. Another scar. Another…

He said, "You're the real deal, right?"

I didn't respond. I admit that I haven't spoken to him much. I'd rather listen to my own thoughts at the moment.

But no. Then he says, "Who was that you were talking to? That your girlfriend?"

"That was my brother."

"He sounded mad, right? You two get along?"

I didn't answer that either. I don't think I'm good at making friends. I've never had to do it for myself. I always had Mikey or Raph do it for me. I'm friends with whomever they happen to be friends with. I don't have time for it. It is very difficult not to see myself as a friendless loser sometimes.

Radioshack explained that his parents were crushing on America when they named him. His younger sister's name is Hilary Clinton. I explained that I and my brothers were named out of a renaissance art book. He said, "That's why you all have sissy names, right?"

"Yes, RADIOSHACK!"

He nudged me in the side. "Don't be so serious. You're like, epic to a fault. There ain't much about you to call sissy. And I know some tough dudes. This one guy Loco Joint, he goes to his ex-girlfriend's house, right? And she was just bangin' one of his friends and he comes in her house and he says…" I don't remember what he said. It was something long and angry and Spanish and involved "fucking" groups of people. It was the plural form anyway. But he continued and said, "…Then he goes in the bedroom and takes out his machete and he hacks off his friend's head. And he goes in the bedroom and he does the same to both her kids."

"Holy crap." What kind of people does he associate with?

"Yeah, he's a bad one. He's my cousin, right? He lives in Virginia. Where you from? You sound American."

I shouldn't tell him anything, but the longer I'm with him, the more I tell him. "I'm from New York City."

"Really? I want to go there. You got pictures of your family? Got any hot sisters?"

I automatically reached for my pictures. I brought one of everyone. I shouldn't have. I'm beating myself up over it now. It was nice to talk about them pleasantly for once, instead of being interrogated by someone who wants to do experiments on them. I showed him a picture of April and Casey.

"Oh, she is hot. She's not your sister, right?"

I said, "No. We call her our sister. Otherwise, our closeness seems creepy. She looks a little devious right here. I believe she had just ordered Mikey to paint her bedroom."

"Who's the dude?"

"Oh, that's her boyfriend, Casey. She's April. They look so cute together it makes me want to throw up sometimes."

I can't believe how negatively I speak lately.

Then I pulled out a picture of Don. He was wearing his welding goggles and eating a sandwich. Covered in soot.

"He looks like an engineer."

"He's all kinds of things. He just blew up a television. We got a new one and so the send off was an explosion. We launched that sucker twenty feet."

He stared at me out of the corner of his eyes.

"We don't have many amusements. Here's Mikey."

Klunk had just knocked down the Christmas tree for the sixth time that Christmas and he was hugging him and looking sad. Raph had just threatened to turn him into violin string.

"Is that a girl?"

"Klunk's a boy."

"No, that…" He was pointing at Mikey.

"He's Mikey! He's a boy!"

"Got big eyes. Got a picture of you?"

"Why would I bring one of me? I see myself all too much."

I did have a picture of me. It was the picture of Raph. He was leaning in the doorway of the dojo and I was bending down in the background to put something away.

"Wow." He was impressed.

I said, "Yeah, I gained some weight since then."

"No, him. He's real cool. You don't look too cool. Scary. But not cool. You sure you're related?"

"No, he belongs to the mutant turtles of London. Of course he's ours."

Raph always either looks really surprised, like a deer in headlights or super cool. He has to pose really hard to look good.

They always take pictures of me after a fight or when I'm mad or depressed. Never when I look cool. It isn't at all fair.

Then I pulled out the picture of my father and I was surprised that he jerked and made some exclamation of disgust. "That's my father, creep!" I put it away.

"Your dad is giant rat! That's gross!"

I was defensive now and I yelled, "My cousin didn't hack off innocent children's heads. Now shut up and leave me alone."

So I have offended my traveling companion into silence. I wonder what progress Father would think I'm making on my trip to being a better leader.

July 23 –

We are off of that blasted truck now and back in the wilderness. I am beginning to really hate the wilderness. It all looks the same. Wild. Good thing I have a compass.

I asked Radioshack, "Do you have any money?"

He was cagey and said, "A little. Why?"

"As much as I like to perfect my svelte figure, I'd like to eat within the next day or two. And judging from your paunch, I'd say you do too."

"Hey! That's low man. You're not treating me with much respect. You don't see me dissing you. I could call you a Kermit the Frog wannabe. But do you hear me doing that? No. I've been real nice to you. I asked you about your family and said your sister was hot and stuff, right? And you just order me around and yell at me."

He was absolutely right. I was being unreasonably mean to him. I said, "I'm sorry, Radioshack. That's true. I've never been on my own before and I'm… not good… with people. At least with people who don't want to kill me. So you'll have to forgive my social anxiety. Now we'll have to make a camp soon. I have days of training to catch up on."

I spent the greater part of the day working out and it is quite a pleasant challenge to stay in shape in the forest. I did pull ups on a tree limb. I know Radioshack was watching. He doesn't amuse himself very well.

I was about to do a difficult kata and I heard, "Woah, that was awesome. Can you teach me?"

"That gets a resounding no. It takes years and years of devotion." It takes all your mental capacities and you'll just end up an emotionally useless obsessive-compulsive with more enemies then friends and neutral acquaintances put together. So no.

"Years and years? You ain't too old, right? You look young."

I put my katanas away because I decided that I was too hungry to carry on anyway. I have never sweated so much in my whole life than I have in the time that I have been here. I'm glad that there are no females here to smell me. Although, why that would matter anyway… "I've been training since I was a small child. I'm eighteen now."

"Wow, you are young."

Then Radioshack's phone rang. He answered it and said, "I don't recognize this number and I have to say that I'll cut you if… Oh, hello, Mikey. Yeah, I can do that…" Then he put it on speaker. I couldn't believe this.

"You're getting soft in your secrecy, old man," Mikey's voice said. It was so surreal to hear his voice in the jungle. "Who are you?"

"My name is Radioshack."

"Bitchin' name. I want to change my name to Wal-Mart. Maybe they'll give us free stuff. Do you hear that in the background?" There was some music playing. I recognized the song, but I couldn't place it. "That's 'Hey Mickey'. I'm dancing while I clean. Donny's napping. He's so cute. He's holding his duster like it was a lover. Raph's gone. I don't know where he is. Don wants to build a harpoon gun using a plunger. What's the jungle like?"

I said, "Well, it's warm and wet."

Radioshack said something extremely disgusting and Mikey made a nervous eep sound. He said, "That's real dirty. Keep it to yourself. I said something like that and Master Splinter made me clean the toilet 50 times. I bought a new outfit for Klunky. He's going to look real cool. It's a leather jacket. I'm going to have him sit on Raph's motorcycle and take a picture."

"Your brother has a motorcycle?" Radioshack said. "He's the cool brother, right?"

"You mean Raphie? Yeah, he's cool, I guess. Not really. Well, I think I'm the cool one. He's afraid of bugs, you know. And used to sing to himself at night 'cause he was afraid of the dark and I used to piss on him when he was asleep. That was always really funny."

Radioshack seemed to be enjoying their little chat. I said, "Mikey, was there a reason for the call? Not that it isn't nice to hear from you of course, but I'm supposed to be in social deprivation from you all. Learning how to lead and such."

"Oh, no. I was bored. Don fell asleep. Send me something cool."

Radioshack said, "I'll send you some pictures of girls. I know this one magazine…"

"I'll send a game or a book," I said loudly over him.

"Dude. I've seen naked girls." Mikey tries to sound so worldly sometimes.

"Well, I don't want to discuss it. Do you hear me?"

"Wow, you're sounding like his dad, homes," Radioshack said. He is searching for a nickname for me.

"Who's homes?" Mikey asked.

"Nobody. Now, goodbye. Tell everybody hello for me."

"Okay. I love you."

I didn't respond. He always has too say that. "Well, me too."

"You what?"

I sighed and looked at Radioshack, who was laughing at me. "I love you too. Are you happy now?"

Mikey put on his whiny child voice and said, "When are you coming home?"

I hate that. I want to give him away when he does that. "When I complete my training and you know very well when that is."

"Okay. Keep your nose clean. Don't get too frisky with the ladies."

"Shut up, you little terd." I said that with full affection.

I hung up and then smashed Radioshack's phone. He screamed at me and verbally abused me and I explained that I must maintain secrecy in my movements. And he was the one who put himself under my protection and so he has to live with the consequences.


	5. Chapter 5

_Again I must mention, don't take offense, turtlecest readers and writers. Like it if you will._

June 24 –

We haven't seen many of these supposed bad guys. We did have one incident on the road last night though.

I can't believe that I can even write this. I'm eating Subway tonight. A honey oat veggie sub. It tastes identical to the subs I've eaten at home. Radioshack is eating a meatball sub. I cannot believe that I travelled halfway down the planet and now I'm eating the same food that I ate at home. I never went into a Subway of course. April or Casey always bought it for us. I sent Radioshack to Subway with our last money.

"Bet you can hunt with those swords, right?" Radioshack asked. I am disgusted watching him eat. He licks his hands just like Raph and Mikey. Those two slobs.

I think I must eat like a sissy. I know I do. Raph's told me so. Even Don thinks so. I said, "I don't use my katanas for hunting. I have a knife for butchering animals. I prefer not to use it though.

"You're a vegetarian?"

I am not strictly a vegetarian. I eat meat when it is served and I don't go out of my way to avoid it. I feel rude demanding alternative food and I don't think it's necessary to be a burden. Sometimes I make my own meals if I don't feel like eating a heavy meat loaf. I just don't like the full feeling from meat. I prefer the light feeling from vegetables and fruit and nuts.

And there is that issue that we're also animals. I feel like a hypocrite eating meat when my ancestors lived in pet shops. Something about it feels wrong to me. Mikey thinks I'm insane.

I explained my position on eating meat very briefly to Radioshack. Thankfully, he didn't care.

Oh, yes. I was talking about our spot of violence on the trail. We are hiking in the wilderness now. He wanted to buy bus tickets, but I pointed out that I would not ride in the cargo area of a bus through the whole country. Suffocating would end my journey pretty quickly. I suggested that we walk for a while and then find another truck and ride in the back. I teased him and said, "I know you're probably impressed by the glamorous life of the ninja. All of the money and fame and beautiful groupies." As opposed to the poverty, anonymity and loneliness.

He's complaining about sleeping on the ground and I said that I thought Mara Salvatrucha were tough.

He said, "They are. I'm not one exactly. I mean, they never beat me in or nothing."

"You just sold drugs for them?" I was preparing my hammock and I didn't much care where he was going to sleep. He attached himself to me. It's up to him to come up with a solution. I think I'll show him how to make a hammock tomorrow.

Oh, no. Now he wants to sleep in the hammock with me. He is afraid of the animals on the ground.

Now I am sitting up in the tree. Maybe I'll try to nap up here. Maybe I'll fall out and break my leg. Eh. I can hear monkeys chattering a few trees away. It's so miraculous to sit in a tree and listen to monkeys. Radioshack is asleep. Maybe I'll swing through the trees and try to peak at them. I wonder if I could sneak up on them.

Oh, they're fast devils. And they heard me coming too. I wonder if Mikey could sneak up on them. He's good at that. Better than me. I just picked an interesting pink flower. It doesn't smell very good. I always assumed that all flowers smelled nice. I suppose that's narrow minded of me.

There is a large cat in a tree. I believe that it's a jaguar. The night before I left, Raph told me that he didn't think I could sneak up on a jaguar. I told him I could not only sneak up on one, but that I could pet it too. I was falling down drunk at the time, so it seemed like a reasonable assertion. So we broke into the zoo and Raph tried to force himself into the jaguar display, but he couldn't find a way in without letting the cat out of its cage.

Oh, I was so close! That was so cool. I got four feet away from it and then it woke up and jumped down out of the tree and ran away. I can't believe I was that close to a jaguar. Even in the dark I could see that it was lean and muscular. I've always thought of cats as natures ninjas, if that makes any sense. Silent and patient as they stalk their prey.

Where is Radioshack? I told him not to wander off. I can't find him anywhere. I'm so tempted to just get back in my hammock and go to sleep. I'm exhausted. It would be such a nice thing to see a jaguar and chase monkeys and pick exotic flowers and then go to sleep in my hammock and feel the warm night air. But no. I have to look for him and then sleep in a tree.

Found him. He's urinating. I'll relate our violence, since I was distracted yet again. We were setting up camp, or I was rather. Radioshack was doing nothing. I heard something coming in our direction. We were far off the road and I could hear that it was a vehicle a long way off. He didn't hear it or else didn't pay attention to it. I grabbed him and shoved him under the overgrowth. At least he didn't complain and seemed to take it as a sign of danger. He has that going for him. He's lived around criminals so long that he knows when it is a good idea to be quiet and he can recognize danger.

The car pulled up alongside our camp and stopped. They were about twenty feet away, but they were still much closer than I would have liked. The car was quite small and there were three people inside. Two of them got out and disappeared into the undergrowth. I traveled across the road to keep an eye on them. I couldn't understand what they were saying. They were speaking Spanish very rapidly and I could pick out the word for bus, but that was all. My Spanish is pathetic.

Within fifteen minutes a bus came thundering down the road. Now this is not a good paved road like back in the states. This is a muddy two track. The bus looked like it had seen much better days. There were about ten people inside.

And I could not believe what happened next. One of the men pulled a grenade from his pocket and crept to the edge of the trees. I understood then. These men were going to lob that grenade at the bus and then rob the passengers' dead bodies. So I dropped down and took them both out. It wasn't terribly impressive. Just gave them both a knock and they went down. I searched their pockets and found more money. So we'll have food tomorrow. I feel like such a reprobate doing that, but as Raph says, "It wasn't theirs to begin with."

I must look for my traveling companion.

We are back now. He was afraid of the monkeys. Now I'll just sit up all night and lose my mind.

June 25 –

I was exhausted to the point of tears today. I need sleep. I hate staying up all night. I know that I can stay up for days, but I don't like it at all. I need to find another hammock for Radioshack.

I screamed at him mercilessly today. He was slow and wouldn't keep up with me and then he said I was being unreasonably cruel to him. How could I expect him to keep up with me? He isn't a ninja. I said, more like screamed, "You're the one who invited yourself along. It isn't my fault if you can't keep up me. Either pick up the pace or you can travel to Honduras by yourself and hope that MS-13 doesn't cut off your head when they find you."

"Why are you being so mean today? You were real cool yesterday. I thought we were friends."

I really lost it here for a second. It has made me think quite a bit about my attitude. I said, "Do you think I haven't seen this buddy cop movie before? I don't want to play the Dean Martin to your Jerry Lewis. I don't need it. I do fine on my own." Then I bit my tongue. I didn't come here for me. I came to help people. If he needs my help, then I should help him.

He was offended, but he was very kind to me and I didn't deserve it at all. He said, "You look real tired, man. You need to take a rest. Just sit down and I'll get some food for you."

I've been quiet all day since that moment. I didn't say anything too biting. But my attitude was clear. I'd rather be alone. I don't understand that. I like company. I don't sit around being emo like Raph. That isn't fair. He doesn't do that. But I have the chance to make a friend and I literally tell him that I would rather be on my own. It had little to do with his behavior, I now realize. I keep grumbling to myself that it would be so much better if I didn't have a human following me. He's such a burden. Stupid humans. They're so slow.

I hope that I don't look down on humans. I shouldn't. But maybe I do. My few friends are human. I am in no way superior. If anything, we're less. I shouldn't say that, but I feel it sometimes. We're like some sort of subspecies to the human race. Too human to escape them, but not human enough to be part of the real world.

I would never tell this to my family. I wonder if they have the same feelings. Not that I would ask. That would be rude and awkward. "Hey Don, do you feel both superior and inferior to humans at the same time? No reason. Just wondered."

Speaking of our Donatello. I hope he didn't blow up the lair yet.

Radioshack has been telling me about his village and his mama and his first girlfriend all kinds of things. I could write a book about this man.

We passed by a small village in the back of a truck today and he pointed at a billboard and said, "My abuela was born behind that sign."

I decided to be a smartass and said, "It must have been a difficult birth for her mother, squatting behind that sign in the open. I hope it was a warm day."

"Well, there was a building there, homes."

I told him not to call me that.

He asked what he should call me.

I almost said, "Fearless." I said instead, "Just call me by my name."

"What was your name again?"

"Leonardo." I couldn't resist rolling my eyes. "Call me Leo if you must."

So now he calls me Leo.

And then to pass the time I told him stories about my brothers. He seemed particularly interested in Raph's exploits, especially the time that he crashed his motorcycle into a Victoria's secret display in a mall. I told him that he showed up for a battle with a thong still stuck in the crook of his shell. A foot ninja laughed at him and lost an eye because of it.

He said, "He sounds like a scary guy. He looked real scary in his picture."

Raph? Scary? I said, "I suppose you could consider him scary if you hadn't bathed, slept, gone to the bathroom, fought, been sick with and every other bodily function available together. Well, except a few things. There are a few things we don't do together."

He had to say, "What, like, had sex? Ain't you two adopted?"

Actually, I hadn't been thinking that at all. I'd been thinking that we don't like the same movies and that he likes to do more solitary things, like ride his motorcycle. I gritted my teeth and said, "Yes."

And he said, "So you two could hook up then."

I could not believe that. I said, "Well, it doesn't matter. My aforesaid list… Look, if you found out that Hilary Clinton wasn't your blood sister, would you jump right into bed with her?"

He made some disgusted noises.

"No, because she's still your sister. And Raph's still my brother. And plus, he's not my type."

"Too mean?"

"Too male." I don't know why I was talking to him about this. I had to add, "And I don't know what woman would want to date him anyway. Talk about epic project. She'd have to be the most saintly and patient woman on the face of the earth."

Then he asked me if I have loads of girlfriends back home. He assumes that I must get a lot of action because I carry swords and look "epic" as he puts it. I said, "To the contrary, not many women are interested in… let's not talk about me anymore. What about you, Romeo? You talk about romance so much. Enlighten me. Tell me about your 'epic' womanizing."

That was a mistake. I assumed that he was full of hot air. He has had lots and lots of… romantic encounters and seems to remember each one.

At least his stories passed the time. Otherwise we would have had nothing to do but listen to the goats breathing. He finished one story with, "…and then my parole officer found me and my girlfriend knew that she would go to jail and so she was going to jump off a bridge and kill herself but she picked a real low bridge and it was when no cars were going by and she jumped and broke both her ankles and they took her to jail."

"She's the one who had the furry pink handcuffs?" I cannot believe I said that to someone. It creeps me out just thinking about it. I believe I will have nightmares about women named Consuelo who are covered in tattoos and run guns for MS-13. And likes furry pink handcuffs and calls him Daddy during intimate moments. I hope he made that up. Please get out of my head.

Eventually, his troublesome romantic reminisces ended. We are still headed towards Honduras and I'm wondering how much a waste of time this trip will be. Then we talked about mechanics for a while. That was a much better topic.

I just sent Radioshack into town to buy himself a hammock and to keep an eye out for nefarious activity. I told him not to join in, but to come and get me so that I can stop it. I was only half joking.

We are getting closer to a Mayan ruin that is open to the public and must be careful of tourists. But Radioshack has just come back with his hammock and just told me that tourists are often robbed here and that there is some kind of gang working this crime. At last. Some action.


	6. Chapter 6

_Forgive me if I screw up the timeline. I'm piecing the details of this together from a story I was told by a friend a long time ago. I think I'm getting some of it wrong because I only vaguely remember the details, but whatever. _

June 26 –

There are many kinds of embarrassment. Sometimes you say something that is slightly inappropriate. Like a Freudian slip. I do that quite often. I'm so glad that my family can't read my mind. Those moments are fleeing embarrassment and I can't remember the individual instances.

But sometimes things are so utterly humiliating that you'll look back on it and always shield your eyes. I'm using second person here as a way to distance myself from my humiliation, you see. I find myself uselessly proclaiming to Radioshack that it was his fault every five minutes and he laughs at me.

I feel that it would be better not to write this down. I should forget it.

No, I must write it out or die.

Radioshack complained last night that he wanted to sleep in a motel since we were camping so close to town. We had a little money between us and I was really longing for a hot shower. I didn't grow up showering regularly, but I didn't grow up in 100% humidity and I couldn't abide my own odor any longer. True, sewers smell badly but… the air is so thick here. I was very sticky and uncomfortable. And a bed. I missed a bed. I've become such a spoiled pet. So I reluctantly agreed, or I pretended to be reluctant. He said we could watch telenovelas and I feigned disinterest. I reminded him that I have work to do. We could have a respite for one day, but after that it was back to work.

There is a ring of thieves in this village, working the foreign tourists. I'm going to visit the ruins nearby when I get the chance. It should be very inspiring. I would take pictures, but we must go at night.

So there are two motels in town. One of them boasts that they have TV and hot water. I wasn't very fond of their pride in such basic necessities. See. Look how aristocratic I am. I grew up without running or even fresh water. No plumbing. Without any light. And now I'm too good to sleep in a motel without hot water or a television. I can see why Master Splinter sent me on this mission in the wilderness.

The other motel looked much nicer. The paint wasn't chipped and there were many patrons coming in and out and I assumed that more patrons meant better quality. I wondered if tourists frequented the place. Radioshack said probably. There was a sign out front with a phrase that I couldn't read, but I didn't bother to look it up in my dictionary and I told Radioshack that I would rather room in this place.

He gave me such an odd look. I wondered if I really looked as bad I thought. Like maybe he was suddenly struck with my disgusting hygiene. But then he asked if I wanted one or two. I told him one. We could share and we couldn't afford two anyway and he'd been bugging me to share my hammock. So now he would get the chance. He made a strange giggling sound and said, "Whatever you say, chief." And he left to get our room.

I stayed behind until he retrieved me. He had a room key and I snuck into the room through a window, carrying some of our things. The room wasn't as nice as I'd hoped. There was no television. I was disappointed. I'd hoped to watch a Spanish soap opera. Then I rebuked myself and decided to spend the time planning a way to make contact with the ring of thieves and then wondering if this was a good idea.

Then Radioshack came to the room with a woman following him. She was young and marginally pretty. Not remarkable. He was saying something like, "He's weird looking and green, but he's cool. You'll like him. But you're being to paid to like him, right?" She took a few steps in the door and froze at the sight of me. I was covered in sweat and mud and not wearing a stitch of anything because I was about to take a shower. I normally only wear a bandanna, belt and elbow and knee pads, but I feel so incredibly naked without them.

She babbled at Radioshack in Spanish and he babbled back. It sounded like they were negotiating.

And then Radioshack said… Oh, I can't even write it… He said, "She's going to charge you extra because you're weird looking, but that's only if you want the whole thing. She said she'll charge the same for a blow job after she sees what you have. And she's going to charge me extra if we both bang her at once, so why don't we take it in turns, right. No sense in me losing money just because she thinks you're too ugly to fuck."

I didn't understand what that meant at first. I know what a blow job is. I just didn't understand the rest of the statement. I finally understood that she was a hooker and I wish I could say that I said something really witty and took charge of the situation. I should have given her a speech about how prostitution is wrong and she should go back to school, but I honestly just sputtered incoherently and then pushed her out the door.

He knew all along that this place was a brothel. The motel is a front. He said that he thought my demand for one room was a demand for one hooker. I took my shower and I was very humiliated. Celibacy is hard enough without this.

At least the shower was very nice. The water was hot and didn't smell like rotten eggs or anything as I'd expected. But I would have bathed anyway if it had. I forgot how wonderful it is to get clean after you've been dirty for so long. I remember enjoying that feeling when I was younger when we finally could take real warm baths and showers.

I spent the next hour or so after I went to bed sitting up and saying things like, "Too ugly to fuck? I'm very good looking for a turtle. There are plenty of human men who are much uglier than I am."

Radioshack said, "Yeah, you're real sexy. Let me sleep." I had a very strong urge to smother him with a pillow. He was very disappointed that I'd thwarted him out of the hooker because there wasn't a TV and he couldn't find a way to entertain himself.

I was fairly hysterical and I can't believe the claims I made. I remember saying to him, "Well, she's the one who missed out because I'm sure I would make a very good lover." He didn't answer though, so hopefully he was asleep.

He was too tired to laugh at me. And we stayed the night in that place because we'd already paid for the room. It came free with our whore. People knocked on the door every hour or so and I didn't get a very good night's rest. Plus, I was so horrified at what that woman had said that I kept having bad dreams about it when I did sleep.

So I got out of bed and meditated and then I felt a little more at ease. Meditation feels so homey. I can almost smell the incense and hear Master Splinter's voice.

This is an adventure that I guarantee will not make it into a letter back home.

June 27 –

I wish to find a computer so that I can check my email. I want to look at my Facebook page. I may need to break into someone's house.

I'm not really sure about what to do with the tourist scams here. They are widespread. It isn't just one group of criminals working in a gang. There two common types of hustling. The first and most common type is quoting two different prices for merchandise for sale in the local shops. One low price for locals and another exorbitant price for foreigners. They also purposefully short change them because they know that they don't understand the currency. That seems more like general dishonesty. I can't fight that. I probably can, but I have no idea how.

There is a more outright criminal scam here in this village. A tourist spills something on their clothes and then all of the helpful villagers rush over to brush them off and before they know it their wallet is missing in the confusion and enthusiasm to clean the tourist. If I could find the individuals responsible for this, I could put them on the front steps of the police station.

I just checked my Facebook. Raph left a long message for me a few days ago. It was mostly a very mundane account of his activity that day. He lifted weights, sparred with Don and Mikey and then he pulled a hamstring. He ate a chicken sandwich and drank an old cup of soda that someone left out from Subway but it was full of mold and made him choke. Then he urinated in a sewer tunnel for some reason and thought it was noteworthy. Mikey dared him to bounce a bowling ball off the roof of the lair and it knocked out a chunk of brick. He sounds lonely. He doesn't usually send detailed messages like that.

I told him that I'm too ugly to pay a woman for sex and that he'd probably agree. I would never tell that to anyone else. I know he would never tell. I didn't say very much. I didn't have much to say and didn't want to admit that so far I haven't really done anything. I gave him some boring training demands. I won't list them here. He hates that, but it has to be done. I'm still the leader, even if I'm out of the country.

Don left me a few snarky comments about confusing the locals by speaking Spanish with a Japanese accent and to send him a mail order bride or else some illegal artifacts from an archaeological site. He said that he has seven computer monitor hooked up now. Why? He only has two eyes.

And Mikey mostly spammed me with lolcats.

Radioshack keeps laughing at me now. He thinks that the whole brothel episode was really funny. I told him that I would be forced to act out some violence on him if he didn't stop and now he's quiet. Thankfully, he knows that I don't kid about that kind of thing. Sometimes he stares at me with a look of paralyzed wonder or horror or something when I do my katas. Most likely imagining himself on the other end of my blades.

We will move on towards his grandmother's village tomorrow.

June 28 –

I finally helped someone.

We got up early and gathered our things together. It was quite a letdown sleeping outside again after the relative luxury of the motel room, even if we could hear people in the throes of passion at all hours of the day from all sides. The water was warm and the bed was soft and that was all I needed.

As we headed towards the outskirts of town, I heard a little scuffling. It was inside a house. Now the houses here are not the houses we picture back home. They're made of mudbrick mostly with corrugated metal roofs. I was idly picking wrappers out from between the bricks of a building once and Radioshack said, "What, do you want them to get sand blowed in their eyes?" That's ingenuity.

Anyway I heard a scuffling and I didn't like it. We were creeping in the dark towards the outskirts so that we could reach the road out of town. I decided that it wasn't far enough to risk another stowaway trip in a truck. Well, I gave Radioshack the signal to stop and crept up to the house. Someone was whimpering inside.

I won't go into the details because it isn't necessary and because I have a hard time thinking about it. But I stopped a rape in progress. I beat that one as much as I dared and left him at the police station.

As we left town, walking through the darkness of the jungle, Radioshack kept saying, "You're like a superhero, right? You stopped that girl from getting raped."

"Not exactly. I wasn't there in time." It was in progress. I won't say any more.

I told him to be quiet. I didn't want to think about it. I needed to concentrate on the task at hand anyway.

June 29 –

My guide has been sending us in the wrong direction. Now we must double back several miles. I heap curses upon you, Radioshack. I'm being kind of melodramatic, but I couldn't sleep last night because I kept dreaming about Raph throwing a bowling ball at the roof and about walking in on that girl getting raped. And now we're going the wrong way. But I'll keep it to myself. I suppose he can't help it if he's an idiot with no sense of direction.


	7. Chapter 7

_I believe I have my dates all mixed up. I'll go back and rectify that eventually. I like giving Leo awful things to think about. I'm just making up this haunting stuff. Seeing if I can weave it into the story. I remember my grandma saying that cute stuff about her nephew that she liked. I always thought it was both adorable and really sad._

July 1 –

Radioshack is the stupidest man on the planet. I really regret attaching myself to him. Nothing good has come of it.

I suppose I am in a bad mood because of the rape I intercepted. It isn't his fault. He obviously wasn't responsible. I have stopped rapes that were about to happen, but never in the middle. It is disgusting and the image keeps moving through my mind over and over. Sometimes I feel like I am truly an adult and that I know everything about the world. Of course I know about the harsh and evil side of humanity. I am a ninja and I've killed. Then I witness something like this. I am young and naïve and I shake a little now and I believe I need to do some katas.

I have returned from my exercise. Radioshack insists on watching me. I hate the staring. He cannot merely stare. He must ask endless questions to distract me. "So, you're a virgin, right?"

I mumbled something indistinct. I am a virgin in every sense of the word from any imaginable angle. It is nothing to be ashamed of and yet… I do not enjoy spreading the information around. At least at home my brothers feel my pain.

"Dude!" He was eating the last of our food at the moment with his mouth wide open. "You're eighteen and a virgin! Why'd you get rid of that whore then that I bought you? When we get to my grandma's village I'm going to find some chick to fuck you. I don't got any money, but I think my cousin Maria is a big slut and she'd do you for free, right."

I threw my katana to the ground. I actually threw it down like a child having a tantrum and panted out, "I do not need any help from you in that regard and I wish that you would keep these thoughts of yours to yourself. I have responsibilities that preclude carnality."

He laughed at me. The man laughs at me a lot and I said, "Do you have some kind of death wish?"

And then he had to sit on the ground because he was laughing so hard.

There is something about traveling with a person that makes you feel close. Even though I don't like Radioshack, I still tell him things that I wouldn't even tell my own brothers and I can honestly say that I'm close to them to the point of perversity. I said, "I'm here for others. Not for myself. It would be wrong of me to…"

He sat up and said, "You'd be doing it for somebody else, right? Maria'd be real happy if you hit her G-spot."

"Don't you talk about anything else? Isn't it hard enough being eighteen and celibate? Like I don't think about it every minute of the day on my own? I don't need your help and I certainly don't need slutty Maria's help. And yes, for the record, I'm absolutely sure I would 'hit her G-spot' even though I don't have a clue what that means."

My mouth is just unloading rubbish lately. Usually my rubbishy mouth is directed privately at Raph. I believe my last words to Raph as I headed out the door were, "Goodbye, asswipe." But I said it with a lot of love. I need to dispose of Radioshack as soon as possible and think about my technique and speed and such. And not G-spots. Whatever those are.

Radioshack just explained the concept of a G-spot. I feel both sickened and aroused at the same time. I seriously need to get rid of him.

July 1 pm –

We just visited Copan. Radioshack did not want to go with me. I ordered him to follow me and told him it was revenge for unnecessarily sexually frustrating me. He said that the Copan ruins are haunted. I told him that it was ridiculous and then I jumped out at him from behind a tree while he urinated and he screamed like a girl. That was amusing. I feel avenged.

It was so surreal and eerie. All the ancient stone stair cases around the open plain and the intricate carvings. Radioshack cowered behind me. There is some ridiculous story about a ghost that haunts this jungle. It is creatively called The Ghost of the Jungle. If I were him, I'd ask for a new stage name. He is the ghost of the first white man to be sacrificed to Quetzalcoatl. He comes back looking for revenge and he wears a cloak sewn together from the skins of the people he finds wandering in the jungle.

I read quite a lot about Central American history and know something about the Mayan people. They were not around when whites invaded the land. They were gone several hundred years previously. What they met was the Aztecs. Copan had been deserted long before Cortez arrived in Mexico City and betrayed Montezuma. I explained this to Radioshack, but he didn't seem to listen.

It was quite enthralling. I love that sublime feeling of the picturesque and I actually enjoy feeling frightened and awed. The snarling serpents that covered the architecture gave me a great thrill. I told Radioshack it was like you could sense the spirits of the people who lived here, just drifting in the moonlight. He whimpered.

I told him to imagine the stone walls covered in bright white and the serpents all brightly painted. It would be amazing. Then I ran ahead of him towards one of the bigger pyramids. There seemed to be a small structure at the top and I wanted to see it. I wanted to sit on top of an ancient pyramid and look around at the city beneath my feet.

The climb was not as easy as I thought because the stone was loose. Radioshack stayed on the ground, shrieking after me that the Ghost of the Jungle would skin me for daring to go up to the top of the pyramid. "That's where they killed people, RIGHT!" he yelled up to me.

I remember smiling so much that my face hurt by the time I reached the top. I should have been disgusted, but knowing that I stood on a spot that had known so much evil gave me a shivery thrill. And I sat at the top near the chacmool and sat with my knees to my chest, looking out at the surrounding countryside. I imagine that the Kings stood on this very spot, looking out at their kingdom, watching the city bustling at their feet.

I wish that I lived in ancient times. I would have made a good king. Sometimes I feel that I was sent to the wrong time. My talents are wasted. I could have ruled a country and kept peace and brought prosperity. Instead I rule three brothers who find no greater pleasure than urinating on me in the shower.

Sometimes I feel such a sense of power and then I shrink in shame. I am no greater than my brothers. Why do I insist on feeling that I am? Sitting up on the top of that ancient temple, I could almost palpably feel the strength of a king. Then I heard Radioshack's plaintive voice crying, "Leo, come back down! I can hear something moving around here! Get your ninja ass back down here in case the Ghost of the Jungle tries to tear off my skin." I imagined a horrifying zombie with a patch on his cloak that spelled "MS-13" and "Consuelo Forever."

July 2 –

I do nothing but fail. I endlessly fail. What's to expect from something as subhuman as I am?

I wrote that above sentence upon waking from a dream. I dreamed that I was a mighty king in an ancient city. It was not Copan. It looked vaguely Japanese. And Raph was there. I was so happy to see him in the dream and then as I turned to put my arms around him, he turned from me and walked away. I followed him down into a glowing golden tunnel and down at the bottom I found a girl being raped. Radioshack shook me awake, informing me that I was screaming.

There was a disturbing aspect to the dream at the end and it involved Raph, but I can't remember how at the moment.

We are closer now to Radioshack's grandmother's house. I will do a little dance of joy to be free of him.

My mind is truly a sick place. I cannot believe that it would produce such a sick image of my own brother. I need to speak to Raph. I need a phone. I need to know that he's alright. Radioshack says that his grandmother has a cellphone and that she might let me use it.

June 2 pm –

We have arrived at Abuela's house and are now settled in for the night. Radioshack's grandmother is 75 years old and still visits her own mother, who is over 100. She walks ten miles every week to bring her a large basket of some kind of unidentifiable tubers. She was in her garden wearing a black shawl over her head and Radioshack warned me to hide in the bushes until he explained me to her. I didn't want him to explain me at all. I had an urge to run away while he greeted her, but I knew that would be tremendously rude.

I watched as Radioshack approached his grandmother, arms wide open and then was smacked in the arm for his trouble and apparently berated. She put her hands on her hips as she listened to him give a speech with many hand gestures as if he were directing an orchestra. He held his hands out beseechingly and then eventually pointed in my direction. She squinted at me, but I'm sure she didn't see me. Then Radioshack retrieved me from the bushes and said, "She says okay. She don't like me, right. She said you can stay if you ain't MS."

That was a glowing approval and I told him that I am still ninja and that I would meet her in the barn. It looked like a shed with a bicycle wheel attached to the top as a TV antenna. I was not in the mood to stand in the goat shed making strained Spanish conversation with an old woman. I wanted to hear Raph's voice very badly. My dream nagged and ached into my mind and I felt so much guilt for maligning him, even if it was subconscious.

His Abuela stood in the middle of the crowded goat shed and greeted me as if she were a La Cosa Nostra Don. She gave me a complex speech in Spanish and I fumbled awkwardly for my dictionary. I paused many times and lapsed into Japanese more than once. Then I finally sighed and said, "Radioshack, will you please interpret for me?"

And Radioshack helpfully said, "She thinks you're ugly, right?"

I am quite used to such rude greetings and chose to take the high road and said, "Tell your grandmother that while I may have an odd appearance, I am just as human as she in intellect and I promise to honor my family and hers and I will not do her any harm."

We negotiated for quite a while and she reluctantly allowed me to sleep in the goat shed. They smell better than Radioshack and it's warm.

She walks five miles back and forth every day to milk a cow. She has a small pasture but it is quite a ways from the house. She talked to Radioshack for quite a while in Spanish while I tracked them in the brush and felt very foolish. Then she affirmed my suspicions by yelling in English at me in the hedge, "You, over there in trees. You look like Tarzan. Why are you creeping in the field like that? It makes you look less than honest."

I called back, "I am forbidden from showing myself." I felt like quite a fool.

The old woman jumped into the field as nimbly as a deer. Radioshack whined out on the road and she called him a "city boy sissy." I complained loudly of his fear of bugs and snakes all things that slither and crawl upon the ground.

She asked me some polite questions about my background and home life. She asked me the names of my parents, presuming that she knew them. I had to choke back a giggle. I do giggle sometimes, but in a very manly kind of way.

I said, "I have three brothers."

She asked, "Are they all iguanas like you?"

"We are turtles and yes they are."

Radioshack shouted from the road, "His papi is a giant rat, Abuela!"

"So are you," she spat back at him.

I like this woman.

She carried a large milk pail and I offered to carry it for her. Her shoulders are rather hunched and her skin is leathery from years of hard work. She has the gnarled hands of a hard life. She handed me the pail and I carried it with no problem and she yelled to Radioshack, "You see, he helps an old lady. That is what good grandsons do. Does Leonardo have a grandmother of his own? Is she a giant rat too?"

I have never thought of that. I must have grandmothers. Sensei must have a mother and I must have two grandmothers of my own. "I have no grandmother, ma'am."

"Oh, and he calls me ma'am!" she said. "He is a gentleman too!"

I believe this was wearing on Radioshack's nerves. I'd like to say that I was embarrassed by the flattery, but I rather enjoyed it. I was strutting as much as a turtle can strut while encumbered with a milk pail. Radioshack said, "If you like that thing so much why don't you adopt it."

And I was stung by that and I am still. He called me a thing.

"I will give him your inheritance then. Leonardo, you pick out a goat when you leave."

I am sitting in the barn, trying to decide on the goat. I believe I will have to sell it at the next village.

July 3 –

I survived the night in the goat shed and I have picked out my inheritance. I feel bad that I have robbed him of the riches he sought in this visit, but I cannot bring myself to feel very bad. I am nothing but a thing after all.

I ate a Honduran meal. It was some kind of fish soup. I believe it was a fish sliced the long ways and it tasted like fish flavored bubble gum because it was not cooked thoroughly. I do not care for fish that much, but I ate it anyway and tried not to show any distaste. Radioshack choked, spat it out into his hand because he won't use a napkin and said he was going to go buy something down the street. I was very self-conscious and ate quickly. She told me to relax and that I didn't need to eat the whole thing. I immediately put down my spoon and declared myself full.

Radioshack did not return for quite some time. I spent the afternoon in the house with his Abuela. She wanted to take me outside to putter in the garden because it was a nice day, but I told her that I couldn't risk it. She seemed sad for me and said it was a shame for a strong young man to be cooped up so much. I must say that I agree.

Abuela asked if I have any girlfriends and I became uncomfortable and said no. Then I asked if I may use her phone and call my brother. So I called Raphael and had a long conversation. I forgot my company and asked him if he had picked up any communicable diseases because he enjoys spending all his free time against walls with sailors in back alleys. Raph was actually happy to hear from me. We talked for longer than I thought was really polite on a stranger's phone and then when I was about to hang up I said, "I had a bad dream about you. I think about you all the time." That made him weird and he just cleared his throat and said that he only dreams about trains going through tunnels and that he had to go. But he seems to be alright and so I am satisfied and at ease about him.

She asked, "Are you close to your brother?"

"Yes, I suppose so."

"That is good. Even if he is a male prostitute." She smiled when she said it, so I think she caught the joke.

Radioshack didn't come back to his Abuela's house until nightfall and he was falling down drunk. I have been even drunker than that, but it felt wrong somehow to do it in the company of such an older lady. Maybe I am just unused to older women. It felt disrespectful. And he brought a woman with him. She wore tight purple jeans and many gold bracelets and she smiled very widely at me. It was the same predatory smile that Raph gets when he's about to attack. Abuela said, "Why did you bring Maria here? You know I don't let that whore in my house!" I believe she brandished a wooden spoon at them. Very brave woman.

He said to me, "I brought that slut cousin of mine. Cause you're a virgin and all and she said she'd go out to the goat house with you and she said you got to be quiet because her husband is out on the street, right."

Abuela grabbed Maria by the hair and tossed her out the door. Then she ordered Radioshack to go sleep in the goat house and I was given the bed of honor in his stead. I told her that I will move on tomorrow night. I should move on tonight, but I am worried leaving her here with Radioshack drunk.

She made up a little bed for me and insisted on tucking me in. "I have five sons," she said as she arranged the blankets around me. "They are all worthless. They are all like their father and so is Radioshack. Useless. I wish that I had you for one of my sons. You would have been such a very good son. I would take you to mass every week and you would be very clean and work hard."

It almost made me cry to hear such simple words of faith from a stranger and also that she had such lousy sons. I wonder sometimes what I would have been like if I were raised in a human family. Would I be the model son? I am such a failure sometimes. I thanked her and told her that I was very tired, which wasn't true.

Last night I did not dream about Raph raping some poor woman, but I dreamed about Don. It was a good dream and we were in a grocery store. He wanted to buy potato chips, but I said they were too salty. Rather boring, but comforting and homey.


	8. Chapter 8

_I'm in an extremely tense and bad mood. Full of worry and what not. So Leo will suffer in proportion. Kind of gruesome and disturbing content. So you're warned. I had to read "I, Rigoberta Menchu" in college and I suppose that's where some of this is coming from._

July 4 –

I believe that I will take my leave today. I'll gather my goat and go. I can't believe I just wrote that.

I woke up early. I tend to oversleep. It's a bad trait for a leader. I have always needed lots of sleep and so I have to force myself to go to bed quite early. Since I forced myself to go to bed at 10pm last night, I actually awoke at a time that I deemed early. But Abuela had been up since 5am, cooking breakfast and doing chores outside. She said that neither I nor Radioshack stirred at all and that was probably because he was passed out.

She says that she hopes he's hung over because she plans on banging loudly on some copper pots all morning to teach him a lesson.

He was still in the goat house at noon. Abuela and I had eaten breakfast, cleaned the house and the dishes and now she was preparing lunch. She planned on watching telenovelas and I was sorely tempted to join her. I don't think it would be so bad to be adopted by her, when I think about it. But she isn't in trouble and so I must leave and find someone in need.

Radioshack was asleep, using a goat as a pillow. The goat lay on the ground, its eyes bugging out in terror at the horrifying human imposing itself on him. I kicked Radioshack in the side and said, "It's time to get out now, Precious."

He mumbled at me in Spanish. Something about being a motherfucker, I suppose.

"I'm here to collect my goat and then I'll be moving on, motherfucker," I said, returning the favor. "Don't you want to say goodbye?"

That seemed to bring him around. He had that same squinty look that Raph has on most Sunday mornings when he makes it home. He squinted at me and said, "You leaving? What about MS? They might come and get me, right."

I was so angry at that moment. He'd assured me he would be safe here. "What am I supposed to do about it? How can they find you here? You're in the middle of nowhere."

"I kind of called Consuelo last night, right? I was real drunk. She has a brother-in-law who lives in the next village and she said he was going to take my hands as payment or something. Or my balls. I don't remember. So you got to stay now and protect me."

So I kicked him in the stomach and went back in the house and sat at the kitchen table, probably brooding and moping. I had been so elated to be rid of him. Now I had to stay and wait for a gang to try to kill him. I wonder how long it takes for them to organize. Hopefully, quickly. I want to kick their asses and move on.

I've been listening to my iPod. Trying to relax. Abuela can tell that I'm upset about something. I've chosen not to upset her. I did tell her it was a better idea to stay inside today. I made up some garbage about rain, but it's a perfectly nice day.

As soon as Radioshack sobered up enough to know that his and the goats' lives were in danger out in the shed, he came groveling into the house, begging his grandmother to hydrate and feed him. She fed him, but gave him evil looks the whole time he was in the house. I tried some meditation to rid myself of the frustration, but my iPod only seemed to want to play sensual music and I became a little aroused and had to excuse myself briefly to regain composure. Half of my songs involve female breathing. Mikey said it's because I'm a pervert. Maybe. I have many Shakira songs and I can't help visualizing… Never mind. Unnecessary to dwell.

I watched a telenovela with them and it was extremely confusing. There were firemen and a pretty girl and she ran away from this other woman and then she ran up to a roof and jumped. I don't have the slightest clue what happened.

Abuela then asked about my katanas. She said, "Why do you carry swords? You're so young."

That didn't make sense to me. I said, "I'm a ninja. Those are my weapons."

I should not have said that. I'd become too lax and comfortable here. She said, "You're in one of those gangs too! I thought you were a good boy!"

"No! No!" Radioshack said. He flinched from the headache. "He's an old time warrior. Fights evil and defends old ladies like Robin Hood. He's on a secret mission."

She was not satisfied. If only I could have explained.

July 4 pm –

I just had a fight. Feeling very good right now. Sometimes I would say after a fight, "Who needs sex?" and Raph will always respond, "I do." That's kind of our joke.

They waited until nightfall as I expected. Gangs are so predictable. But something interesting and amusing happened first. Consuelo came to the door. Abuela answered and seemed to recognize her because she went for her wooden spoon and said, "If you give me any grief, I will hit you with this."

Of course, I had hidden at the first sound of a visitor. I don't know why I didn't hide when Maria the Slut came to the door. I suppose I already knew who she was and that she wasn't a threat… violently anyway. I jumped into a large cabinet and cracked it open a little to see outside.

Now Consuelo is a truly frightening woman. I'm not easily frightened, but if I were as easily frightened as Radioshack, I would have pissed my pants at the sight of her. She's covered in gang tattoos and wore the sleaziest outfit I've ever seen. She has MS and 13 tattooed on each breast, both of which were out in the open for all to see and she wasn't wearing a bra and I could see her tits perfectly through her top. I think I'm feeling slightly more macho than usual. Fights tend to do that to me. I'll try to bring it down a notch.

And she charmingly had FUCK and YOU! tattooed on her four knuckles of each finger. I have rarely seen hair like that. I wonder if rats make nests in her hair while she sleeps.

She said to Radioshack, "Hey, what are you doing back here? You owe me some money." I don't remember exactly what she said. It was much more vulgar, Spanish and contained a lot of references to cocaine and semi-automatic weapons.

He said, "Hey, bitch! I owe you nothing, right!" And then he looked around the room for me to protect him.

When I seemed to have disappeared he said, "I got a bodyguard now. Where's Leo, Abuela? Tell him to get out here and kick this bitch's ass."

And then Consuelo did something odd and I knew it was some kind of act of aggression, but couldn't quite place it. She reached into her mouth and Radioshack screamed. I suppose that was the tipoff that I was needed.

I jumped out of the cupboard and grabbed her hand. A razor blade. The woman actually keeps a razor blade under her tongue. This girl has bigger balls than Raph.

Abuela took the opportunity to call Consuelo names and hit her in the face with her wooden spoon and ordered her out of the house and yelled after her to wear a bra.

Radioshack said, "That was so cool how you came out of the closet like that."

I still don't know if he was being sincere or not. I impressively jumped out of a closet? I thought it looked lame.

Oh, I see. Never mind.

But the fun didn't end there. That wasn't a fight. I don't want to make it sound like I pulled a razor out of someone's hand and was excited by it. That was nothing.

Half an hour later, Consuelo yelled at Radioshack from outside. She ordered him to come out. Radioshack yelled out the door, "Nuh uh!" His eloquence and power with words is truly astounding.

I left the house through the window and surveyed the scene. A dozen men were standing around the house. They thought that they were hidden, crouched behind the goat house and in the garden and such. Like any of them could ever successfully hide from me.

I know that MS-13 enjoy hacking people with machetes and I suppose that Radioshack knew this also because he refused to leave the house. I was feeling pretty good about the situation. Twelve guys with machetes against me. Plus Consuelo. I liked the odds.

But then Abuela opened the door and screamed at them in Spanish. There was a lot of yelling for a while and I jumped up on the roof in case I needed to drop down between them. And then Radioshack yelled at his grandmother and she yelped and I could tell that he had physically manhandled her back into the house and closed the door. So he finally showed a little bravery.

I recognized one of them from Radioshack's stories of trembling and fear. He said that Loco Joint was known for cutting people up. He likes to hack people's heads open with his machete. He enjoys killing. Has no real feelings. I mean he enjoyed killing in the past tense of the word. He doesn't enjoy anything anymore.

I waited for them to make a move on the front door. I knew one of them would become impatient. It wasn't Loco Joint. He just waited for one of the others to rush the house, most likely in case there was gun fire. He had enough inexperienced men with him to do that job for him.

I won't describe the fight in great detail because I find that I am not very good at it. It wasn't much a fight. But all I'll say is that Loco Joint received a few "hacks" of his own.

I didn't go back to see them. I knew they were alright and I don't think Abuela would want to see me again. I know they saw me killing those men. I only kill when I have to. But still… to know that others know you're a killer. It's like someone watching you masturbate. At least to me. It feels like that dirty part of me that I want hidden.

So I left. I didn't take my inheritance. I didn't feel like mine anymore. Radioshack can have it back. It's rightfully his.

July 17 –

I've gotten my journal back. I killed them all. There's blood on all these pages now. Those fuckers are dead. I want to talk to Sensei.

July 17 pm –

I've mostly recovered from my earlier dramatics and can elaborate more specifically. I need a few days to recover before moving on again.

After I left Abuela and Radioshack I traveled aimlessly, much like when I ventured into the mountains during my first few nights in this country. I settled down to camp for the night and I was shot. I just lay in my hammock and a bullet hit me in the leg. What kind of a ninja am I? I didn't hide myself well enough. Just set up camp on the ground. I assumed nobody ventured into the thickest parts of jungle. I'm a fool. To think that I would be so arrogant. That I, a stranger and foreigner, am the only one who traverses the thickest parts of the jungle? That the natives are not ahead of my by one hundred times.

Raph would tell me I'm being a pussy because he always tells me that when I worry. Because he doesn't care what I feel. Well, he can rot in hell after some foot ninja gouges out his eyes with a hot pair of tongs.

What is wrong with me? I don't want anyone to hurt Raph. I love him.

I think I need more sleep. But I can't sleep. Not out in the open. How am I going to function?

I'm very hungry right now and my wounds are all sore and itching in the humidity. Not healing properly.

July 18 –

I'll try another round at explaining what happened. I slept up in a tree and felt much safer. I need Don to build me some kind of electronic what's-it to let me know when people are coming. But I have to be a ninja for a change and figure it out on my own. He writes all his personal documents in Klingon. I miss that. I thought it was stupid when I was at home.

I was shot in the leg and when I noticed, I fell out of my hammock and hid. I tried to climb a tree. I could hear someone creeping nearby in the brush. It was definitely not an animal. But I couldn't make it and fell. I was shot again in the stomach. So I couldn't move in time to…

Why didn't I escape? I just laid there.

And then a man came into my field of vision. He wore army green and looked like a military type. He ordered me to do something in Spanish and I didn't understand so he cracked me over the head.

I don't remember much of the first few days. I was restrained and asked questions that I couldn't understand. I had a few dreams during that time that I'll keep to myself.

But I am very strong and came to soon. They said I'd had an infection and nearly died. But they kept me alive because they wanted to ask me questions and called me a spy. I am not being very detailed because I don't remember very much from this time.

I remember my first awareness of my surrounds… Well, I realized that I was in some kind of bunker. Like a root cellar. No, like a bomb shelter or fox hole. A concrete room underground and I was chained to the wall, lying on the ground. Of course all of my gear had been removed. The floor was cold and damp.

There was a soldier sitting in the room with a machine gun. I couldn't stir at first. But I was sure I could escape this. I'd escaped far worse without a scratch.

But they didn't hurt me much. They hurt others. They killed little children and asked me choose who lived.

I'm not explaining in any linear fashion. I don't care.

I'm going to go back to Abuela and Radioshack's house to see if they are all right.

They thought I was a spy they said. Why would I be a spy? And I said nothing. I never talk under torture. They can cut me all they like. I never talk. I can endure pain. But I talked after they shot the little girl.

So I'm going to go back to Abuela's.

July 19 –

I'm sleeping in the goat shed with Radioshack again. I haven't explained where I've been and Radioshack said that I came to the door looking like a big green zombie with blood in the cracks of my shell and under my fingernails. I refused to explain. Abuela made some awful soup, but I thanked her and ate it all nicely.

I asked them if they had heard of the guerillas. They both said no. Both lied.

There were seven children and they shot three.

I can't sleep. Radioshack told me he's going to buy me some tequila. I haven't spoken to him much. He must think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I used to think that nothing could break me. Nothing had, until now. I can even endure the suffering of my brothers. They are all stronger than I am.

Radioshack listened to some of my dirty music on my iPod while I stared into space, or in reality, at the goat I was supposed to inherit, and said, "So why did those guerillas want you anyway? They only are trying to get people off the land, right? Scare us all off so that their boss can start a banana plantation or something."

"They wanted to know who I worked for and why I was there. They thought I belonged to some kind of… I don't know… opposition. They thought I was a spy."

"You look like they hurt you." He stared at my cuts and bruises. "How'd they get you to talk?"

I said with not much emotion, "They shot a five year old girl in front of me."

He babbled in a panic in Spanish. I didn't pay attention to the content. Motherfucker something.

"And then two more. One was a boy. All asked for their mothers. Little children bleed more than you would think for their size." I don't remember feeling anything at that particular moment.

"You let them?"

I felt like crying then, but I didn't. I said, "I was restrained. I was chained down and I couldn't move. But that's no excuse. Raph would have torn himself to pieces to stop it and that's why he's so much better than me."

Radioshack always knows the tactful thing to say. He said, "He's the cool brother, right?"

"I told them what they wanted to know. They broke me." There was nothing for it but to cry now.

I might as well have done something as extraordinary as spontaneously burst into flame. He looked like he'd never seen anything more astonishing in his life as a weeping ninja. Radioshack said, "Hey, you're hero. You guys aren't supposed to cry. How did they shoot three kids? I mean, you let them shoot two kids before you talked?"

"No! I talked and they just kept shooting! They wanted to make sure I wasn't lying. Don't you get it? You're such a fucking idiot." My voice rose to the point of hysteria. That is always a good trait for a ninja.

Then he got up and left the shed. I was truly miserable. I only had one confidant on the whole continent and I'd just driven him away. But then a minute later Abuela knocked and opened the door and said, "Radioshack says you are upset and that you should sleep in the house. I order you in here this minute."

So I obeyed the order. It is wrong of me to be so attached to anyone. They're treating me like their own family. I'm not going to write any more tonight. I'm shaking so badly.


	9. Chapter 9

_Got some sudden ideas on this. I feel like I'm being very bad as an anthropology student. Like I'm carrying on stereotypes and stuff, but hey. This is a story and it seemed like a cool idea. So lay back and enjoy it. There's a reason people don't read ethnographies for fun._

July 21 –

I have spent two more days with Abuela and Radioshack. He got me piss drunk night before last. I am sorry for it. I don't remember what we did and I am concerned that I breached my secrecy protocols.

He said to me this morning as I stepped out of the bathroom fresh from a shower, "I'll get some girls together so you can watch them in there. I know you like that kind of thing, right."

First of all, I believe that all heterosexual men would be lying if they disagree, so it is unfair to tease me as if I'm a pervert. And secondly, Abuela was in the room and heard him and said, "He would like no such thing! He is very good! You have the brain of a dog that humps the master's leg."

I giggled like a little girl to hear Abuela say that. She pets me and praises me and calls me the GOOD grandson, while glaring at her real one. I know she's making a point with it, but I'm trying not to mind it.

He couldn't let that go and said, "He did to say it! He said he wanted two girls in the shower with him instead of his brothers when he got home."

Um… yes, well…

I made my goodbyes and couldn't refuse the goat. It has a long name that I can't remember and Abuela told me it will run away if I change its name and she gave me a hug with one arm and a funny air kiss and said, "You be good. And do not get hurt! And you must write to me and tell me how good you are. And no people in the shower with you unless they are brothers. Radioshack needs to be castrated."

Well, I couldn't disagree with that and then Radioshack gave me his cell phone number and said to hang up if a guy named Loco Joint answers.

July 21 pm –

I despise you, no name goat. You are slowing me down.

Monkeys are teasing my goat and I'm letting them.

I can't move through the brush with this animal. I'm calling it El Stupido.

July 22 –

My goat disappeared in the night. I guess Abuela was right.

Well, partially. I found a pile of goat remains. I think it was eaten in the night. Something else got a free meal.

There is a small village nearby and I may have to do something desperate to get a meal soon. I don't really feel like eating a monkey. I had planned on swapping the goat, but that is no longer an option.

I am fighting a creeping fear. Those guerillas know the jungles so well. I don't. That's why I was caught. I have to pay better attention to my surroundings. But it is very difficult. They could be anywhere around me and I would never know it.

I hear loud voices now. There is a small village and they seem to be in distress.

July 22 pm –

This is a very jacked up situation I have gotten myself into and it feels like I was written into it by a script. I cannot believe how this came about.

I crept closer to the village to hear what they were saying and they were yelling in an indigenous language. It wasn't Spanish. It doesn't do me much good out in the backwoods areas. Well, they were pointing at a fallen down statue in the middle of the village and there was quite a commotion of yelling and pointing and old women crying. Don said it is called keening. It sounds like loud crying to me.

Then I heard a familiar voice yelling in Spanish, "This cannot be, old women! Go back to your houses! It is a vandal! I will call the police!"

I could not place the voice at first.

It was Eduardo, the Mexican anthropologist. I almost yelled his name. I followed him along on the outskirts and waited for him to leave the village or at least until he was out of sight of others. But it took hours. He is too popular. He talked to the men of the village for a long time and they were all very unhappy about something. And then he finally went into the bushes to relieve himself. I thought it would be a great joke to scare him and snuck up behind him and then put the tip of my katana to the back of his neck and he cried out, "Puta madre!" as he zipped himself up.

Then he saw me and his mouth fell wide open. He said, "American lizard! I never thought to see you again! How did you come so far and so fast?"

I gave him a two sentence summary of my travels and asked him the same thing.

Eduardo said, "My friend asked me to come to this village. She works several towns away but heard of this local commotion. They believe that the spirit of (I cannot remember the name. It sounded like Wheat-See-Lohan) is now haunting the village. Some people have defaced this stele. It is Mayan and they worship it as a Catholic saint and also as their Mayan god. It is fascinating, no?"

"Why are you here? Isn't that something for the authorities to handle?"

He said, "It is being handled by them. But my friend Helen DeVos wanted me to assist her with the legends of these people. I know much about Mayan culture and how it has been incorporated into modern religious practices and she does not. She is interested more in subsistence patterns of semi-nomadic peoples. She does studies Neanderthal populations of Europe and believes that modern people with similar subsistence patterns may be comparable."

I tried not to feel stupid as he told me this. I had a flashback to all of those lessons with Don rattling off nonsense while we all nodded. Sometimes Raph beat him up and Mikey and I usually let him.

He took me to his house, which was similar in style to Abuela's, but even smaller and with a thatch roof. Insects and rodents buzzed and crawled inside. He said he must prepare Helen for my appearance.

She came in the house and I was sitting on the bed, trying to look dignified. She was very short and a little beyond middle aged with glasses. She looked like an elderly doll. And she had a funny dark bob haircut. She said, "I am pleased to meet you, Leonardo. Mr. Montez-Lopez speaks highly of you."

We had a fairly uninteresting conversation. She was very… I don't know. I don't think she liked me much.

July 22 pm –

I am…

I heard Ms. DeVos speaking with Eduardo in heated tones outside as I headed off towards the outskirts to do something private and she was saying, "What kind of thing is he?"

"He is some kind of animal, but has human intelligence and anatomy. I would think someone as culturally minded as you would be able to see this. Unless you have become too emic to humanity to see it in him."

I wish I knew what that word meant.

"An animal? Why does it talk like that? Is it some person in a suit? I'm surprised that you would fall for some hoax that easily. I suppose it is some religious group trying to disprove Darwin with this stunt. To make us look foolish, believe that we have found a freakish reptile-man."

I didn't stay to listen to the rest of the talk. The words died down and I tried to sleep. But I felt very small and alone suddenly, even though I was in the little house with Eduardo and I find his presence very homey. I tried not to cry over something so stupid as a snooty and paranoid anthropologist, but I could not help it. I was in my bed, choking in tears when he came back and he ignored me for a while and sat at his desk, writing by an electric lantern.

After a while he said, "I know you must have heard Helen's words. You are a skulking ninja." He said it in jest and I believe he was trying to elevate my mood. "You are not a freak by any definition. You are kinder than any human I have met in a long time."

Things were so hard tonight. I got up and told him what I saw with the little children. He was very upset and said that he would report it to the authorities. He said, "You look so thin, Leonardo. I will introduce you to the village tomorrow and they will be glad to know you and the old women will make you fat."

So he sent me back to bed.

July 23 –

Well, the meeting with the villagers went… well… if that's the way to put it.

They immediately deemed me some kind of emissary from the creator and the big man of the village ordered me to go fight a god in Copan on their behalf. Helen took notes like her hand would fall off and Eduardo tried not to laugh at me and didn't do a good job.

"You look so shy with these people!" he said, mocking me afterwards. "You have eyes like a frightened cow and are so polite. No wonder all these old women want to bathe you."

I made him stop laughing to explain.

"Oh, I misspeak. I mean, they wish to put you through rituals to purify you for this fight with these gods. You are to fight as Huitzilopochtli and you will be his champion. They say that the breaking of the stele and your arrival are predestined. They want you to go to the pyramid of Copan and wait for Quetzalcoatl himself."

He helped me with the spellings.

I am not sure that I believe these things about the spirits and gods. But I will be open minded. Stranger things have happened to me in my life and I know that things we wish away do exist sometimes. I told him not to have such little faith in these people and their beliefs. He told me he values them as part of their heritage, but they are stories told to explain the world. He said that they imagine the world to lie on the back of a turtle… So that explains their delighted reaction as I entered the meeting house.

I have just returned from the first stage of my purification ritual. There are three stages to prepare me to carry the spirit of Huitzilopochtli. For the first stage I sat in a sweat lodge for several hours. It was a small hut full of steam and I was actually very happy with this stage. I took off all my things, which admittedly aren't very much and lay down on my stomach on a plank. I just lay there and sweat and thought about many things.

But it would have gone much better if the village women would have left me alone. A few times giggling girls opened the door and I just smiled slightly and ignored them. One of them dared her friend to come in and speak with me. And then they ran away. I wish Eduardo would have put a stop to it. He knew I was in there. And then a few older women came in and asked if I needed food. I was lying there with the sweat running off my body and puddled up on the floor and no weapons or gear and the last thing on my mind was food. And a young woman came in to refill my water bottle nearly every ten minutes. I would have gotten sleep or napped if it hadn't been for all these curious voyeurs.

Eduardo just told me that he told the women that I wanted company while I was in my "state of glorious nakedness" as he put it. I am very awkward now. I have to eat dinner with them all. He finds my blushing and fidgeting very amusing, I see.

He says that I had "cow eyes" again at dinner tonight and that I enchant the women. I am about ready to tell him off.

I am to begin phase two tonight.

July 23 –

Well, at least Eduardo was here to keep me respectable.

During the second phase last night, they had me smoke some kind of tobacco and I choked and coughed and they informed me that I had to smoke quite a lot. I had to induce some kind of shamanic trance as they called it and I only remember the first part. I remember thinking everything was really funny and I laughed at nearly everything. A lady dropped a plate and I remember laughing. But then it goes very blank and I'm quite happy with that.

Eduardo says I nearly corrupted one of the young ladies in the village and I don't really believe him.

The big man told me that I mostly babbled like a child and he listened to me talk and giggle about my brothers for several hours. I hope to high heaven that I did not giggle. He said that I tried to kiss his daughter, but she turned her face away from me. Then I talked to her for several more hours and said that I can't get married because my father is too far away to ask permission and some other garbage about April and how she used to let us see her naked all the time.

Eduardo just told me, "You talked quite sweetly and followed that little girl all over the village and held on to the back of her dress like a puppy and cuddled her."

I hope they are making these things up. I would prefer taking advantage of the chief's daughter rather than talking for hours straight like an eight year old and holding on to her apron strings like a little kid.

Oh, I also hugged all the old women and said they were young and beautiful and a lady said it was such a shame that I was going to get killed the next day in the battle.

I am going to hide in my bed now and hope Raph never finds out about this and I plan to never take any kind of mood altering drugs.

I wonder now how I behave when I've been concussed or given strong medication. I suppose I know now.

July 23rd pm –

I have just gone through the third stage of preparation. The old women painted my entire body. I have animal stripes on my thighs and Mayan letters and calendar symbols on my plastron. I have some abstract symbols on my arms and a black stripe across my face. And my eyes have been made up to look very catlike. Eduardo calls it were-jaguar. He took a picture of me to send home. I think I look very good. It was… an interesting experience being painted. I had to sit there and let them paint me all over with the cold paint and I jerked and jumped so much at their touches and they made very many comments to each other at my expense.

I am now wearing my swords and they said some very distressing prayers over me that sounded rather frightening and portentous and then sent me on my way. I suppose I will sit there all night looking very awesome and with no one to see. Pity. I may make up a battle to make them all feel better when I return.


End file.
